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Saturday, August 19, 2017

Addiction

I wondered why I did not get addicted to drugs and now I know why. Every time I read novels or watch K-dramas, I feel like no one should bother me. I don't feel like doing anything at all and just focus on what I am currently watching or reading. So I told myself, this is what addiction feels like. Well without the self-destruction tendencies of course. At least I wouldn't get into some sort of trouble. I guess its healthier than other forms of addiction.

But then come to think of it. Its the same idea because you are being transported to another world while doing these. Its that kind of feeling that will make you high. "Escaping from reality" is the perfect description. That is the true meaning of addiction. 
Its like being part of another world. The world of the characters in those novels or dramas. Most of their stories have happy endings and that is our main goal in life. To experience happy endings. Maybe because my life is far from the point. It must be the reason. When you are full of disappointments, expectations and reality hits you so hard but running away is not an option, so you tend to be in the character's shoes to at least fight with them, run away with them and be happy at the end.

Its like a do-over of your life actually. Of the things that might have been. Its like a good dream which you would not want to wake up from. If there is a time machine, the time and places that you want to go back to.The idea of being in a perfect world where you want to be stuck in. 

These are obvious results of your sadness and emptiness. Its like sleeping your way through it all. Just to make sure that you will not go back to where your life was.You want to be where the sun rises and never sets. 


Sunday, July 2, 2017

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Am I really comfortable now doing nothing? How can that be when all I ever wanted is to be someone. On top of the hierarchy. Every time I wanted to move on and do something I had to step back and ask myself again if I really wanted to do that. I don't really know. I can't decide. I have no clue as to what to do next with my life. How to move forward. I have this slightest feeling inside me that I just want to be this... A mom! I am more excited to think of myself bringing my little boy to school. Preparing him snacks and breakfast for the kids. Creating my menu in a systematic way, making sure that its nutritious and it varies every week at least. But heck how can I do that without any income. That is the main PROBLEM. 

I trust God with all these though. I've applied in number of job openings with no luck so I guess I wasn't meant to work right now. I don't know how to start with online business. All I know is to create social media account for it but I don't know how to go about it. I know I had to go to Manila which until now I'm trying to avoid because of the hideous traffic and pollution. I love Divi but going there is like the death of me. The traffic going to and from; the crowd. But heck I miss the fried Siopao, Waiying, the cheap fruits and vegetables and cute items.

I wish we could have a spot in kids' school. It would be a nice start for a small and manageable business. Or I can work again hopefully so I could invest in water refilling business at least two branches. Even in home-based work I can't seem to be lucky to have a good one I was even scammed. Anyway whatever I will have or I will be in the next few months it depends on what's in stored for me so I shouldn't WORRY - my worst enemy.



Thursday, January 5, 2017

Its all worth it..

A few months ago, I've decided to choose, heck, I was pushed to choose. HE showed me that my life is beginning to shatter. I'm just too blind to see it. My bestfriend had to die so I can take a good look of what I am missing. As if HE wanted to send me a message. That I've been so preoccupied by my job that I forgot that I have friends to see often and children to take care of more than anything else. I was taught lessons that I failed to plan for. I had to get sick, challenged hard in the office, lose important friends. Everything flashed right before my eyes because I'm too blind to see them. What made me decide is that fact that I almost lost my son twice because I wasn't there to look after him. I've prayed heaven and earth that he gets better and until now I'm scared and still praying that there's no long term effect to his health.

Where I am now is literally a leap of faith because its like I'm back to zero. I quit my job finally and so I don't have money. I know and I believe that God has plans for me and my family, and its a better one. I may not have anything now but every time I see my kids, hear them laugh, actually talk to them, play with them, when they loved my cooking. Its like there's nothing in this world could ever go wrong. My worries would go away every time they goof around or tell me that they love me. Its like life is complete and nothing else matters.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Its never goodbye! 
It was really hard and until now I couldn't let you go. Can't pass the memories I've had with you. It could have been longer. It could have been sweeter. You've shown me what friendship is all about.It's exactly how LOVE was described in Corinthians verses. You are the kindest person I met. You loved me unconditionally. You were always there when I needed you the most. When I was sick; when I was hurt; when I was the happiest. That's why when you left, I can't seem to forgive myself for not doing the same thing for you. Then I realized there are things we do for the people we love without them asking for it. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of how much you loved me and how you made me feel important.
There are only few people I trust because there's only few who can understand how it is like to watch the sunset and feel that something is being taken away from you. How the rain brings back memories of the past as much the familiar scents of perfume. How our smile and laughter varies according to the state of our heart. You are the only one who can make me bring out all that there is in me. You made me believe in impossible.
With you I can laugh my heart out because in that particular moment, I am me. Its as if to hell with what other people would say. This is who we are and nothing's ever going to change that. We owned the world like nothing is going to go wrong as long as we are together. That was pure ecstasy.
My love, you will be forever in my heart and I know I will be forever in yours. We will be together again someday and we will paint the sky with rainbows as we walk the path of heavens. We will fill it with the music of our endless laughter. Until then my love..its never goodbye.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Short but Sweet

This is how funny life gets. When you've wished for something to happen and it came along right away. You thought its going to be very light, no pressure and all but I think this kind of setup really does have a time line. Not sure though because some sort most of the time does have a time line or expiration for that matter.

It will start with butterflies and flowers. In this case red roses. :)
Staring with each other. Looking at each other eyes without blinking. Shy away sometimes if its been awkward.
Long kisses. And quick stolen ones. In different places or even when just going down the stairs. Exciting, isn't it?
Feels like you're young again. Back when dating is nothing but happiness. Its an extraordinary feeling. Like you're high and so alive. You will forget what loneliness feels like.

After that, you get to be comfortable with each other and that's when complication arise. One would start asking until when do you plan to continue with "Just Fun" setup. There would be demand that as if you're into something serious. Then he would tell you how he very much wants to be with you and include you on his plans. This one is a killer, he was too ill but he came all the way from a very far place just to see you and kiss you like there's no tomorrow, like it will be the last, like its goodbye. He's kissing you all over your face while whispering that he loves you. Damn! That sends shiver down my spine. There's guilt but now its more than that.

The earth has shifted. Now you're the victim of the game that you're playing. You wanted him to make you the center of his universe but he couldn't. You tend to question, what are you really ready to give? You're asking him too much but you are not sure if you have something to give. Why can't you just let him be for now until he's certain.

You're failed relationship can explain this. You are tired of waiting for someone to change for the better, always at the bottom of priorities, always giving but rarely receiving.





Monday, August 17, 2015

Entitled

Let me put it into writing
All the pain; the tears; the hurt
Its excruciating.
Exhausting.

Why can't you give me what I deserve
It feels like you were never there
The fact that all you did was to hurt me

All the good were in the past now
Its true, good things must come to an end
Until the pain of now overshadow what was good then
Too bad, you have completely ceased to remember
How we move the fog from our breathing
Rubbing our hands together to keep warm
We left them all in the place where it all began
Sadly it had to end there as well 

Now all I ask is for you to let me be
Take a glance inside my heart
Hear what it has to say
Speak with it...

 

 
EMPTY

Walk in to the darkness
Silence is deafening
Wishing to hear a little laughter
Your innocent face to lighten up my day

Turn up the volume
So I won't have to search
For what my heart seem to long for

It sucks to feels alone
Look somewhere, anywhere
As every day weakens all of you

How I'd wish it could be easy
Can't stop the tears
Even my fears

God, please hold onto me
I know, like all things
It will come to an end..