If Only

I was just watching my favorite movie of all time - "If Only" and whatta surprise tears suddenly flushed down my face. Its been years since I last saw this movie and still it made me cry. It made me think, what if I would be given the chance to see what will happen in the future. Actually that guy from the movie was very lucky to have that opportunity. He was given the chance to make things right. Only few people are lucky enough to experience that. If you are not prepared or you don't know what you really want to happen when the time comes, that would be a problem. It was a perfect title for that movie and the script is quite good. Its pretty much the words that you need to say or you choose to say. Doing things that you rarely do or going to places you've never been to.

What made me cry is when the guy is thanking his gf for showing him the meaning of love. For being that someone who completed him and that he would have not known love at all if it wasn't for her. I have totally forgot if I ever heard those words before. Well I think I haven't. The disadvantages of having a partner who doesn't know how to say his feelings. Its as if I don't deserve to hear it or I don't serve my purpose. It will be the most tempting or should I say sweetest temptation I will ever be if someone will tell me those words I would love to hear.

Until now I don't know if I've fallen out of love or I'm just really looking for something else. Which made me think, is this how it feels when you are about to wake up the next morning and you would tell yourself - 'I don't love him anymore'. I really don't believe in that or at least I want "me" to believe that when two people are bound with responsibilities and facing that responsibility together, you don't just fall out of love. Old-fashioned? not really- its all about the family.

So sad........Its as if I haven't been in love for a while or felt loved.

*Keep up*

How do you keep up?

It goes with acceptance

It could be hard

But worth it

It makes us

A better person

True, its painful

suffering and tears

Its just like working

For something that you like

Or need

Like a kid

Asking for candies

But in mature ways

At some point

It's not anymore

For yourself

We don't want

To take away 

The wings 

Of an angel

Who gives us

Only reason

For happiness.... 

Silent

Accusation, Accusation, Accusation

What a word with revelation

Saying something without proof

Emotions strike up the roof

The hell with make-believe stories

In no way to even feel sorry

Bring out your own crap

Mind treating others like a scrap

You know you're not a writer

Not even worth like a kicker

How does it feel to be the real garbage?

Can't rectify your own carriage

Even if you feel you won like now

Don't even think it will last somehow

Nothing clout the true meaning of silence

It can be powerful as reverence

We both know who sees the truth

Anger and hate you'll bear like a fruit

For the pain and tears that you send

Its HE up there, who will tend.

===Random thoughts===

I'm like... the sun without rays


............ a picture without a face






............ a rose embedded with thorns






............ a child remained unborn






............ unkept promise






............ undetermined truth


Its really hard to face the consequence of your own choice. What's even worst is marinig mo yung line na "pinili mo yan so panindigan mo." Parang hinihila ka lang pababa instead of giving you other alternative option para mabawasan yung burden. "Ayaw mo ng broken home ha, oh eto work your ass off til death at asa ka pa na magkabahay ka or makapag masteral degree ka. Sweet..Minsan gusto mo lang pagsisihan yung mga nangyari which is sobrang useless coz hindi mo na mababalik yung panahon na nawala. Its a shame to admit na "nasa huli ang pagsisisi". Actually parang hindi din, I've been through hell nung magkahiwalay kami knowing na he cheated on me for one specific reason( "kasi magkalayo tayo"). Until now malabo pa din yun kasi magkasama na kami nahuli ko pa sya na continuous communication nila. Hindi ko lang alam ngayon, minsan naprapraning ako kasi cold ang relationship namin. Haha kaya nga naaliw ako when I read something  that goes like this in fb .."Hindi ka manlalamig sa taong mahal mo kung wala kang ibang nilalandi"... 




Ganon lang ata talaga pagmagkasama na kayo hindi naman laging kilig moments. Sa pinagdadaanan namin ngayon, ang hirap maging cheezy. Imagine, yung financial problems namin ang sakit sa bangs. Leche, yung pangarap ng mga anak ko na own house lalong lumalabo which is a huge disappointment talaga kasi we don't want to appear like incapable parents.

Ang hirap kasi ng hinihingi nya ngayon, I really want to support him with his career pero hello! we can't afford it right now. He wants to go somewhere tapos iiwan nya kami ng mga bata ng walang assurance na pagbalik nya we will live happily ever after? In all unfairness, gagastos pa sya pagdating nya don. Can someone please justify? What we need right now is stable income kasi habang lumalaki mga bata lumalaki din ang gastos. I restlessly think about what we can do to achieve that. Nagkabusiness nga kami pero parang hindi pa kumikita tapos nababawasan pa. Though ang gusto ko lang naman maramdaman nya na magkaroon ng sarili nyang business, sadly hindi nya naman kayang alagaan. Lahat nalang kailangan mo pa iutos sa kanya hindi kayang panindigan yung gagawin nyang decision.

Sabi nga nila one thing why you would truly love a person is because of his weaknesses. I feel like he needs me now more than ever. Dapat parang telenovela lang, pag walang pang support sayo ang asawa mo dapat iwan na haha... Pinipilit kong maramdaman yun pero hindi ganon coz hindi naman nya gusto nangyayari saknya. This is where the element of faith comes in. That God has a reason for every single thing that is happening. I also believe na umiikot ang gulong so hindi ka lagi nasa ilalim.

Diary ba ito? haha hirap talaga pag nsa foreign land ka. Wala kang matakbuhan, sarili mo lang pwede mo iyakan nakakabaliw diba? Masaklap pa don yung taong inaasahan mo hindi ka kayang idefend sa inevitable force ng nature. May ganon?



  

One Sunday...

My day started ok kahit hindi nagbreakfast. Naapreciate ko tlga na lesser ang motorists therefore hindi nakakasuffocate ang pollution. Then the usual morning tasks in the office pero parang bigla nagbago mood ko. Its either I feel sick, may nakakaasar na naganap or ganon lang talaga pag last day mo na bago rest day. I don't know basta nakakatamad na lang gumalaw tapos I really want to go home na. To think na after my shift yesterday, bedridden lang ako coz I'm watching dvd.

Something came up! Sabi ko pala I will take Vit C na, uso kasi sakit dito sa office. Scary kasi parang pass the paper lang. Mauuna yung katabi ng ill person then yung katabi ulit or yung nsa likod nila. Damn! Mabuti sana kung pag nakahawa sila, sila din bibili ng gamot diba?

Well anyway, parang Poker session lang ang daily life natin. There will be bad sessions and good sessions. Yung good sessions, you can capture it with your cam and the bad sessions ibaon sa limot or itapon sa trash can. Haaayy..SLEEPYHEAD

Welcome back...

Its been what?...years! since I last write something about things that interest me. Writing used to be my hobby. I hate reading but writing makes my heart grow fonder. I write whenever I am inspired, when something beautiful caught my eyes (like sceneries, butterflies, birds, blue sky..),I felt something different towards someone. I normally write about these through poems so that it will just be a representation and not something direct. 

Well, anyway, I would like to thank my "Adamsplanet" (haha) who inspired me to write again. This time, it won't be for my eyes only (like it used to be) but also for those who might be interested with how other people see things in different ways.

Know what...best title for this is..'Something'...redundant ba?