Addiction

I wondered why I did not get addicted to drugs and now I know why. Every time I read novels or watch K-dramas, I feel like no one should bother me. I don't feel like doing anything at all and just focus on what I am currently watching or reading. So I told myself, this is what addiction feels like. Well without the self-destruction tendencies of course. At least I wouldn't get into some sort of trouble. I guess its healthier than other forms of addiction.

But then come to think of it. Its the same idea because you are being transported to another world while doing these. Its that kind of feeling that will make you high. "Escaping from reality" is the perfect description. That is the true meaning of addiction. 

Its like being part of another world. The world of the characters in those novels or dramas. Most of their stories have happy endings and that is our main goal in life. To experience happy endings. Maybe because my life is far from the point. It must be the reason. When you are full of disappointments, expectations and reality hits you so hard but running away is not an option, so you tend to be in the character's shoes to at least fight with them, run away with them and be happy at the end.

Its like a do-over of your life actually. Of the things that might have been. Its like a good dream which you would not want to wake up from. If there is a time machine, the time and places that you want to go back to.The idea of being in a perfect world where you want to be stuck in. 

These are obvious results of your sadness and emptiness. Its like sleeping your way through it all. Just to make sure that you will not go back to where your life was.You want to be where the sun rises and never sets. 

Finding Me

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Am I really comfortable now doing nothing? How can that be when all I ever wanted is to be someone. On top of the hierarchy. Every time I wanted to move on and do something I had to step back and ask myself again if I really wanted to do that. I don't really know. I can't decide. I have no clue as to what to do next with my life. How to move forward. I have this slightest feeling inside me that I just want to be this... A mom! I am more excited to think of myself bringing my little boy to school. Preparing him snacks and breakfast for the kids. Creating my menu in a systematic way, making sure that its nutritious and it varies every week at least. But heck how can I do that without any income. That is the main PROBLEM. 

I trust God with all these though. I've applied in number of job openings with no luck so I guess I wasn't meant to work right now. I don't know how to start with online business. All I know is to create social media account for it but I don't know how to go about it. I know I had to go to Manila which until now I'm trying to avoid because of the hideous traffic and pollution. I love Divi but going there is like the death of me. The traffic going to and from; the crowd. But heck I miss the fried Siopao, Waiying, the cheap fruits and vegetables and cute items.

I wish we could have a spot in kids' school. It would be a nice start for a small and manageable business. Or I can work again hopefully so I could invest in water refilling business at least two branches. Even in home-based work I can't seem to be lucky to have a good one I was even scammed. Anyway whatever I will have or I will be in the next few months it depends on what's in stored for me so I shouldn't WORRY - my worst enemy.

Its all worth it..

A few months ago, I've decided to choose, heck, I was pushed to choose. HE showed me that my life is beginning to shatter. I'm just too blind to see it. My bestfriend had to die so I can take a good look of what I am missing. As if HE wanted to send me a message. That I've been so preoccupied by my job that I forgot that I have friends to see often and children to take care of more than anything else. I was taught lessons that I failed to plan for. I had to get sick, challenged hard in the office, lose important friends. Everything flashed right before my eyes because I'm too blind to see them. What made me decide is that fact that I almost lost my son twice because I wasn't there to look after him. I've prayed heaven and earth that he gets better and until now I'm scared and still praying that there's no long term effect to his health.

Where I am now is literally a leap of faith because its like I'm back to zero. I quit my job finally and so I don't have money. I know and I believe that God has plans for me and my family, and its a better one. I may not have anything now but every time I see my kids, hear them laugh, actually talk to them, play with them, when they loved my cooking. Its like there's nothing in this world could ever go wrong. My worries would go away every time they goof around or tell me that they love me. Its like life is complete and nothing else matters.