feel like writing...

 Why do I feel lonesome? I want to connect with a friend and establish something thats worth keeping for a long long time. Feels like I should look for that person but no idea where to start and who should I look for. I just miss the company of people I can actually talk to. At my age, its really hard to find people whom you can relate to and the other way around. Maybe I missed my best friend.

I don’t find it difficult to talk to people or have other people talk to me but I have to admit you have to make sense so you can gain my trust and interest. I guess it will be hard for me to  find that person now. I still believe that He will send someone to me without me knowing it. An instrument of love and comfort. He is that kind. He chooses whom you’ll learn to love like how you love him. Someone who you’ll put your faith into because at some point in your life, you’ll have to depend on that person and that would worth the wait.

its so funny...

 oh diba a year ago I was wishing for 3 things but it all involves 1 thing, be back in Baguio. In two months I was back in Baguio but what now... its been a year but what changed? Nothing much actually or should I say its been another roller coaster ride. Honestly, I’ve never tried the roller coaster, not because I was afraid but because I don’t want to puke after riding it. See? Its not always what it seems. Sometimes its because of the things that you don’t want to happen. But I think, that’s one of my problems, I want to stay away from what would have. Maybe that is also the reason why I always feel anxious thinking about bungee jumping, sky diving and cliff diving. I really am a morbid person. I always think of the worst thing that could happen. 

I guess some things are unavoidable. 

Come to think of it even though I should be worried about tomorrow and not being able to pay the bills, why am I not worried anymore? I wonder why! Is it because I would always say, I will lift them all up to Him and let his big plans take over. I wonder if that is why. I can remember a month ago when I am ready to take all whatevers just to assure myself that we will be ok for the next several months. Its really amazing to feel this way. Although I want to worry, I can’t anymore because He is taking it away like what I always pray for.  For that I couldn’t be anymorw greatful.

Biking, wounds and worries

              

                   Nagtry ako magbike recently to make myself exercise but then on my way back sumemplang ako so as a result nasugat ako. At my age since most likely magmamark na yung any kind of sugat sa skin ko dapat disappointed ako. Surprisingly, I felt happy parang ang tagal na nung huling nagkasugat ako ng ganun. It brought me back to the past. Nung bata pa ko I loved biking so whenever sesemplang ako it didn't matter. Ang sarap talaga balikan yung ganun, yung parang ang simple lang ng lahat. Yung care ko kung magiwan ng scar yan. I didn't need to impress anybody so whatever. Yung basta masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Wala akong pakialam sa future. I didn't need to worry.

                     Ganun yata talaga, lahat kasi ngayon kelangan mo iworry. As in literally LAHAT. Pinipilit ko talaga na ibigay lang lahat kay God pero pag nakikita ko nanay ko nagtatago sa inutangan, problema sa kuryente, mahal ng bilihin. Hindi ko makuhang magbingibingihan o magbulagbulagan kaya naiirita lang ako. Imagine may maliit ka na nga na business dito problema pa din ang pera. For reasons na hindi naman dapat ako involved but I need to train myself to do that kasi sila hindi nauubusan ng pinoproblema sa buhay kasi kahit problema ng ibang tao pinoproblema pa din nila. 

                     I have to recite this mantra "In God's time, In God's perfect time!" Kaya lang minsan talaga hindi ko maalis yung inip na, I need to get away from all these. Yung bawasan ko lang yung worry na naipapasa pa nila sakin. Kasi for now gusto ko lang sana ang worry ko lang pano ko papakainin anak ko, pagaralin sya at kumportable kami sa pamumuhay namin. O diba, ang simple lang dapat? Parang ang dali kasing umiwas sa iba pang worries pag malayo ka, hindi mo naririnig at di mo nakikita. Parang ang aga ko lang gusto magretire pero its all because I have had enough in the past siguro and I want to put my burdens to rest.

                      Yung anxiety ko, ayoko na natritrigger sana kaya nga kung pwede lang data entry or transcription nalang gusto ko trabaho para mas malayo sa sources ng worries sa work. So far parang ayaw pa ibigay sakin yun so baka hindi pa time or may mga kelangan pa ko mameet na mga tao na magbabago ng buhay ko and hopefully in a positive light. 

                         For now, I am positive to do these 3 things:

                 1. Bumalik na sa Baguio

                 2. Magwork or business to sustain ang pagbalik sa Baguio

                 3. Hopefully makasettle na sa Baguio for good

                    

                        Ano ang common denominator nila? Baguio. Feeling ko lang kasi I will be more at peace in this place. Since it is my favorite place in the world and I will be away from negativity.

LIES

Why do you have to exist?
Why does it hurt so much?
The pain is unbearable
While looking at nothingness
Tears suddenly fall
It is numbing
It feels terrible
Sleep would not come
No matter how I try
My mind is floating
Can't think, can't feel
Every thing feels unreal

Lie to my face
Feel no remorse
The worst thing one could possibly do
Can't breathe
This is just too much
Inhumane
Deliberately causing pain
And you call this love?
How could one pains his love?
I was kidding myself all along
Some things never change

Lying can be a way of life
Lying for too long can become you
It becomes your nature
Until all the words from you
Spell the word LIES...

Paano nga ba ubusin ang oras?

Bakit nga ba ang mga tao pagwalang ginagawa laging sinasabi "ang bagal naman ng oras"? O kapag meron naman tinatapos na deadline or meron ganap sa buhay, "ano ba yan ang bilis naman ng oras". Nakakaawa din ang oras minsan, lagi nalang sinisisi. Pag may maaga nawala sa mundo, sasabihin nila "hindi pa dapat sya nawala masyado pa maaga". Pag meron naman sobrang sama ng ugali "kelan kaya mamamatay yan? ang tagal naman".

Pero ang totoo nyan, sa atin nakabase ang bilis at takbo ng panahon. Sa mga choices natin sa buhay. Sa kung paano tayo magspend ng bawat sigundo.

Halimbawa ako, ngayong mga oras na 'to. Eto ako nakaupo sa workstation ko binasa ko na lahat ng blogs sa Quora at blogs ni M.Manson dahil wala akong ginagawa. Dahil hinihintay ko lang matapos ang 60 days na required notice sa opisina. Isa nga ito sa napakaweird na patakaran ng company. Imagine 60 days transition para sa support department at facilities pa for that matter. Katanggap tanggap pa sa technical eh pero sa support? Eh kaya ko magtransition ng isang araw lang kung hindi tanga yung pageendorse-an ko. Pero dahil 50 kiyaw ang penalty sige nalang kahit eto mamatay ka sa boredom sabi ng pagod kong mata, kakabasa at pwet ko, kakaupo.

Pero sabi nga nila be thankful for what you currently have kasi yung ibang tao gusto ng patakbuhin ang oras sa sobrang bigat ng trabaho nila or pasanin sa buhay. I am thankful everyday. Alam mo yung parang may kailangan ka lang gawin na iba pero ang totoo hindi mo alam kung ano yun. Basta lang nanghihinayang ka dun sa oras na dapat ata iniukol mo sa ibang bagay.

Minsan kasi hindi lang puro pera, pera ang dapat nasa isip. Natutunan ko yan sa pinakamasakit na paraan. Marami talagang hindi nabibili ang pera katulad ng ngiti sa mata ng anak ko, ang mga jokes nya na walang kapantay, malaliman na usapan sa pagitan namin ng nanay ko at lola ko, sariwang hangin sa probinsya namin, moments with the whole family at madami pang iba.

Pinili ko ang maghintay para sa isang greater purpose kaya hindi dapat mainip. Ang kailangan ay magisip ng paraan para mabawasan ang inip. Parang pagiging responsable mo sa mga bagay na pinili mong gawin. Nasa sa atin talaga kung paano mababawasan ang inip ng paghihintay. Naguguluhan nga din ako sa sarili ko, nung 3 years ako walang ginagawa, lagi ako nanghihingi ng senyales na kung hanggang dun nalang ba talaga ko pero ang totoo nyan ako din lang ang gumawa ng paraan para mawala ako dun sa sitwasyon na yun. Kaya sa palagay ko hindi talaga dapat tinatanong sa Diyos kung anong gagawin mo sa mga dilemma mo sa buhay dahil ikaw din lang ang makakasagot sa mga tanong na yun. Minsan lang talaga nahihirapan tayo pumili dahil ang dami natin dapat iconsider. Pero at the end of the day tayo pa din ang makakaranas ng regrets or fulfillment. Parte yun ng pagiging human I guess. Dahil kung wala yung mga bagay na yun mas walang kwenta ang buhay.

Multiplicative Idiocy

Everyday is so fucking repetitive. I have never felt so useless in a workplace. Because of moronic ways of a "boss", which is one thing. Another thing is every one of your team pretends that they know better than you but when something get screwed they would pretend that they do not know anything about it and you are on your own. I know it has been 3 years but how the fuck did this happen to the corporate world. Back then, I hated it when I am not doing anything because I am done with the things I was supposed to do. I can't seem to fathom that this workplace felt like it only belongs to those who were already here. They have this bubble that is difficult to penetrate. I don't know if I was the one who changed or I just don't really belong here. It could be that because I accepted this job out of convenience and not necessarily to grow and not because it offers a heck of benefits because it sure sucks.

Everyone is getting on my nerves except the receptionist. I have a lot of realization though I am not sure which one is true. To name a few;

1. DO NOT WORK in a Filipino-owned company ever. It is like working for your narcissistic mother-in-law.

2. Go for a startup company. Since this company started during the Triassic period. Everyone wants to eat the newbies by saying "we've been here since time immemorial and you have no right to blah, blah.."

3. It is still safe to have a guy for a boss (except of course if he is a maniac of some sort or as moody as your grandmother). I don't know if its just me, I have never known myself as misogynist but I find it hard to deal with women colleagues. Most of them are pretentious, others are jealous and the rest are both. Being the introvert me, I only do things as asked or the way I'd like to accomplish them without considering any of 'em comments.

So thankful to have this blogspot up and running since that fucking bitdefender sucked all the life I have in this godforsaken workplace. The only motivation I have now so I can literally drag myself to work everyday is that at least I get paid for not doing anything.

If not for my situation I wouldn't be back here. I was never a pushover. I like to deal with things my way not because I am a "Leo" but its because I know what would make sense and if there are suggestions that seems logical I'd gladly accept that. 

Anyway I am still glad I was able to overcome my most recent fear that I was battling with for 3 years because I accepted this job. It is good enough reason but then again they are bringing the demon out of me because of their idiocy.

Lazy Days

A day so lazy

Plans are hazy

Kinda' going crazy

Looking fuzzy

Why think of everything

When there's nothing

Can there be anything?

or something?

You've got to have faith

Even if its just a wraith

Believe what's he saith

Even if its a little past eight

When all is perfect

When you had the chance to connect

It will definitely deflect

Making it correct

Addiction

I wondered why I did not get addicted to drugs and now I know why. Every time I read novels or watch K-dramas, I feel like no one should bother me. I don't feel like doing anything at all and just focus on what I am currently watching or reading. So I told myself, this is what addiction feels like. Well without the self-destruction tendencies of course. At least I wouldn't get into some sort of trouble. I guess its healthier than other forms of addiction.

But then come to think of it. Its the same idea because you are being transported to another world while doing these. Its that kind of feeling that will make you high. "Escaping from reality" is the perfect description. That is the true meaning of addiction. 

Its like being part of another world. The world of the characters in those novels or dramas. Most of their stories have happy endings and that is our main goal in life. To experience happy endings. Maybe because my life is far from the point. It must be the reason. When you are full of disappointments, expectations and reality hits you so hard but running away is not an option, so you tend to be in the character's shoes to at least fight with them, run away with them and be happy at the end.

Its like a do-over of your life actually. Of the things that might have been. Its like a good dream which you would not want to wake up from. If there is a time machine, the time and places that you want to go back to.The idea of being in a perfect world where you want to be stuck in. 

These are obvious results of your sadness and emptiness. Its like sleeping your way through it all. Just to make sure that you will not go back to where your life was.You want to be where the sun rises and never sets. 

Finding Me

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Am I really comfortable now doing nothing? How can that be when all I ever wanted is to be someone. On top of the hierarchy. Every time I wanted to move on and do something I had to step back and ask myself again if I really wanted to do that. I don't really know. I can't decide. I have no clue as to what to do next with my life. How to move forward. I have this slightest feeling inside me that I just want to be this... A mom! I am more excited to think of myself bringing my little boy to school. Preparing him snacks and breakfast for the kids. Creating my menu in a systematic way, making sure that its nutritious and it varies every week at least. But heck how can I do that without any income. That is the main PROBLEM. 

I trust God with all these though. I've applied in number of job openings with no luck so I guess I wasn't meant to work right now. I don't know how to start with online business. All I know is to create social media account for it but I don't know how to go about it. I know I had to go to Manila which until now I'm trying to avoid because of the hideous traffic and pollution. I love Divi but going there is like the death of me. The traffic going to and from; the crowd. But heck I miss the fried Siopao, Waiying, the cheap fruits and vegetables and cute items.

I wish we could have a spot in kids' school. It would be a nice start for a small and manageable business. Or I can work again hopefully so I could invest in water refilling business at least two branches. Even in home-based work I can't seem to be lucky to have a good one I was even scammed. Anyway whatever I will have or I will be in the next few months it depends on what's in stored for me so I shouldn't WORRY - my worst enemy.

Its all worth it..

A few months ago, I've decided to choose, heck, I was pushed to choose. HE showed me that my life is beginning to shatter. I'm just too blind to see it. My bestfriend had to die so I can take a good look of what I am missing. As if HE wanted to send me a message. That I've been so preoccupied by my job that I forgot that I have friends to see often and children to take care of more than anything else. I was taught lessons that I failed to plan for. I had to get sick, challenged hard in the office, lose important friends. Everything flashed right before my eyes because I'm too blind to see them. What made me decide is that fact that I almost lost my son twice because I wasn't there to look after him. I've prayed heaven and earth that he gets better and until now I'm scared and still praying that there's no long term effect to his health.

Where I am now is literally a leap of faith because its like I'm back to zero. I quit my job finally and so I don't have money. I know and I believe that God has plans for me and my family, and its a better one. I may not have anything now but every time I see my kids, hear them laugh, actually talk to them, play with them, when they loved my cooking. Its like there's nothing in this world could ever go wrong. My worries would go away every time they goof around or tell me that they love me. Its like life is complete and nothing else matters.

Its never goodbye

Its never goodbye! 
It was really hard and until now I couldn't let you go. Can't pass the memories I've had with you. It could have been longer. It could have been sweeter. You've shown me what friendship is all about.It's exactly how LOVE was described in Corinthians verses. You are the kindest person I met. You loved me unconditionally. You were always there when I needed you the most. When I was sick; when I was hurt; when I was the happiest. That's why when you left, I can't seem to forgive myself for not doing the same thing for you. Then I realized there are things we do for the people we love without them asking for it. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of how much you loved me and how you made me feel important.
There are only few people I trust because there's only few who can understand how it is like to watch the sunset and feel that something is being taken away from you. How the rain brings back memories of the past as much the familiar scents of perfume. How our smile and laughter varies according to the state of our heart. You are the only one who can make me bring out all that there is in me. You made me believe in impossible.
With you I can laugh my heart out because in that particular moment, I am me. Its as if to hell with what other people would say. This is who we are and nothing's ever going to change that. We owned the world like nothing is going to go wrong as long as we are together. That was pure ecstasy.
My love, you will be forever in my heart and I know I will be forever in yours. We will be together again someday and we will paint the sky with rainbows as we walk the path of heavens. We will fill it with the music of our endless laughter. Until then my love..its never goodbye.

Short but Sweet

Short but Sweet

This is how funny life gets. When you've wished for something to happen and it came along right away. You thought its going to be very light, no pressure and all but I think this kind of setup really does have a time line. Not sure though because some sort most of the time does have a time line or expiration for that matter.

It will start with butterflies and flowers. In this case red roses. :)
Staring with each other. Looking at each other eyes without blinking. Shy away sometimes if its been awkward.
Long kisses. And quick stolen ones. In different places or even when just going down the stairs. Exciting, isn't it?
Feels like you're young again. Back when dating is nothing but happiness. Its an extraordinary feeling. Like you're high and so alive. You will forget what loneliness feels like.

After that, you get to be comfortable with each other and that's when complication arise. One would start asking until when do you plan to continue with "Just Fun" setup. There would be demand that as if you're into something serious. Then he would tell you how he very much wants to be with you and include you on his plans. This one is a killer, he was too ill but he came all the way from a very far place just to see you and kiss you like there's no tomorrow, like it will be the last, like its goodbye. He's kissing you all over your face while whispering that he loves you. Damn! That sends shiver down my spine. There's guilt but now its more than that.

The earth has shifted. Now you're the victim of the game that you're playing. You wanted him to make you the center of his universe but he couldn't. You tend to question, what are you really ready to give? You're asking him too much but you are not sure if you have something to give. Why can't you just let him be for now until he's certain.

You're failed relationship can explain this. You are tired of waiting for someone to change for the better, always at the bottom of priorities, always giving but rarely receiving.

Entitled

Entitled

Let me put it into writing

All the pain; the tears; the hurt

Its excruciating.

Exhausting.

Why can't you give me what I deserve

It feels like you were never there

The fact that all you did was to hurt me

All the good were in the past now

Its true, good things must come to an end

Until the pain of now overshadow what was good then

Too bad, you have completely ceased to remember

How we move the fog from our breathing

Rubbing our hands together to keep warm

We left them all in the place where it all began

Sadly it had to end there as well 

Now all I ask is for you to let me be

Take a glance inside my heart

Hear what it has to say

Speak with it...

 
 

Empty

EMPTY

Walk in to the darkness
Silence is deafening
Wishing to hear a little laughter
Your innocent face to lighten up my day

Turn up the volume
So I won't have to search
For what my heart seem to long for

It sucks to feels alone
Look somewhere, anywhere
As every day weakens all of you

How I'd wish it could be easy
Can't stop the tears
Even my fears

God, please hold onto me
I know, like all things
It will come to an end..

Collection of Dreams

Dreams Obsession

These are all I was able to gather so I'd know what's up with my life and so I can be guided by them. This is actually what happens when you don't just talk to anyone about anything. When you are being choosy to the kind of people you let in your life. When you don't get the chance to talk to people who would understand you. They are just too rare nowadays. Or maybe I'm just too particular.

*********To dream that you are shopping for or buying clothes indicates that you are apprehensive about being accepted by others. You aren't sure if you are the correct fit for the position you are taking on.

-May 2013

********To dream that you have a bloody nose means that your character is under attack.

-May 2013

*******To dream that a rat is biting your feet is analogous to the rat race that you are experiencing in your waking life.

-May 2013

****************To dream of seeing or being bitten by a snake implies that you are afraid and anxious about some issue in your life. Perhaps this dream is suggesting that you should be aware of a pending situation that may cause you harm. The snake can also represent someone in your life who is heartless, cruel, and treacherous. 

-Early 2012   

My Newborn

Its so hard to be away from you. Its like losing something so valuable. I feel so incomplete like the most important part of my body in order to function is missing. I long to hear your laughter; when you call me when you need me to do something for you; when you cry when nobody else seem to understand you. 

When you were born, you made me believe again for something real and you made me believe that I can be whole again. You brought me happiness and fulfillment I never imagine I can experience again. You made me the person I didn't think I can be. I never wanted to be away from you even a single day. If I had a choice back then and even now, I won't choose to be away from you or you from me. It saddens me every time I remember why we have to be apart. 

Baby love, everyday the thought of being far from you brings tears to my eyes. It makes me come up with impossible or things far from reality just to beat the distance. 

My love, just always remember that I love you til the ends of the earth. Nothing should ever come between us even the darkest days of our lives. My love for you will be there with you wherever you are. All my prayers are for you, so you'll be safe, you'll learn to love, you'll learn to stand up whenever you fall because my love is always alive in you. There will a come time, we will be together again, very soon my love....very soon!

Tiresome

Tiresome it is...how many years has it been? I keep waiting and what's sad is the thought that it won't happen anymore. What could've been, should've been and would've been after wasting long years. Looking away while seeing what's obviously happening. Pretending that it would pass by soon and hoping for the best. The word "best" becomes unachievable at times or should I say most of the time. It only happens for the fortunate ones. Its wrong impression to say that I'm unlucky because most of my life I feel so blessed and I really appreciate it. I'm thankful for it everyday. There are just some days when things don't happen the way you envision them. Not all dreams are bound to happen. Even your childhood fantasy will never come to life. I think its because, if these things happen, what's the point of having the courage to fight for what you believe in and being able to make sacrifices. That's what makes life exciting and worth living right? The "calm after the storm". The thought of having to go through the journey..journey of love, pain, sorrows, hope and love again.

10/10/10

It was an eye-opening mass that I had this morning. The priest was saying something like we should know how to be grateful for something or someone. That to show appreciation is to remain loyal and trustworthy. To go to church is not an obligation and we should not be looking at it that way. We go to church because we want to show God that we love him. He also asked about us saying thank you to our partners in life. We thank God because of the blessings we received from him however, do we also thank the people around us who showed love and care to us?

We do know that to show God that we love him and that he matters to us is by loving others. The priest is also saying like if we cheated on our wife/hubby and was forgiven, it doesn't mean that you will do it again. True love means forgiveness so stop continuously hurting those people who love us. This person who has been with you through thick and thin. When you are nobody in the eyes of the people surrounds you.

Its really me

Leos are doers. "I will" is the key phrase for this sign. There's a lot of energy packed into this sign, and they're always going to be busy, regardless of whatever else is happening around them. They are ambitious, creative, and optimistic. It's not enough for a Leo to just do the job. In order to suffice, it must be done to the absolute best of their ability. Once committed to an employer, they will go all-out, but the best situation for the Leo is to be his or her own boss.

Careers that allow for the Leo's dramatic flair, such as acting and entertaining, are ideal. Such positions give the Lion free rein. Other occupations such as management, teaching, and politics are well-suited, too. Anything that puts a Leo in a leadership position will give this sign the opportunity to do what comes naturally.

Leos love to surround themselves with the things they fancy. Because money usually comes readily to the Leo, there's always more where that came from. Money is meant to be spent as far as this sign is concerned - and spend they will. Generous in spirit, a Leo will give away their last dollar to help a friend. They're always confident that there will be more, and there usually is. There's never a lack of work for a Leo. In fact, there's generally more work available to them than they can keep up with.

If Only

I was just watching my favorite movie of all time - "If Only" and whatta surprise tears suddenly flushed down my face. Its been years since I last saw this movie and still it made me cry. It made me think, what if I would be given the chance to see what will happen in the future. Actually that guy from the movie was very lucky to have that opportunity. He was given the chance to make things right. Only few people are lucky enough to experience that. If you are not prepared or you don't know what you really want to happen when the time comes, that would be a problem. It was a perfect title for that movie and the script is quite good. Its pretty much the words that you need to say or you choose to say. Doing things that you rarely do or going to places you've never been to.

What made me cry is when the guy is thanking his gf for showing him the meaning of love. For being that someone who completed him and that he would have not known love at all if it wasn't for her. I have totally forgot if I ever heard those words before. Well I think I haven't. The disadvantages of having a partner who doesn't know how to say his feelings. Its as if I don't deserve to hear it or I don't serve my purpose. It will be the most tempting or should I say sweetest temptation I will ever be if someone will tell me those words I would love to hear.

Until now I don't know if I've fallen out of love or I'm just really looking for something else. Which made me think, is this how it feels when you are about to wake up the next morning and you would tell yourself - 'I don't love him anymore'. I really don't believe in that or at least I want "me" to believe that when two people are bound with responsibilities and facing that responsibility together, you don't just fall out of love. Old-fashioned? not really- its all about the family.

So sad........Its as if I haven't been in love for a while or felt loved.