feel like writing...

 Why do I feel lonesome? I want to connect with a friend and establish something thats worth keeping for a long long time. Feels like I should look for that person but no idea where to start and who should I look for. I just miss the company of people I can actually talk to. At my age, its really hard to find people whom you can relate to and the other way around. Maybe I missed my best friend.

I don’t find it difficult to talk to people or have other people talk to me but I have to admit you have to make sense so you can gain my trust and interest. I guess it will be hard for me to  find that person now. I still believe that He will send someone to me without me knowing it. An instrument of love and comfort. He is that kind. He chooses whom you’ll learn to love like how you love him. Someone who you’ll put your faith into because at some point in your life, you’ll have to depend on that person and that would worth the wait.

its so funny...

 oh diba a year ago I was wishing for 3 things but it all involves 1 thing, be back in Baguio. In two months I was back in Baguio but what now... its been a year but what changed? Nothing much actually or should I say its been another roller coaster ride. Honestly, I’ve never tried the roller coaster, not because I was afraid but because I don’t want to puke after riding it. See? Its not always what it seems. Sometimes its because of the things that you don’t want to happen. But I think, that’s one of my problems, I want to stay away from what would have. Maybe that is also the reason why I always feel anxious thinking about bungee jumping, sky diving and cliff diving. I really am a morbid person. I always think of the worst thing that could happen. 

I guess some things are unavoidable. 

Come to think of it even though I should be worried about tomorrow and not being able to pay the bills, why am I not worried anymore? I wonder why! Is it because I would always say, I will lift them all up to Him and let his big plans take over. I wonder if that is why. I can remember a month ago when I am ready to take all whatevers just to assure myself that we will be ok for the next several months. Its really amazing to feel this way. Although I want to worry, I can’t anymore because He is taking it away like what I always pray for.  For that I couldn’t be anymorw greatful.

Biking, wounds and worries

              

                   Nagtry ako magbike recently to make myself exercise but then on my way back sumemplang ako so as a result nasugat ako. At my age since most likely magmamark na yung any kind of sugat sa skin ko dapat disappointed ako. Surprisingly, I felt happy parang ang tagal na nung huling nagkasugat ako ng ganun. It brought me back to the past. Nung bata pa ko I loved biking so whenever sesemplang ako it didn't matter. Ang sarap talaga balikan yung ganun, yung parang ang simple lang ng lahat. Yung care ko kung magiwan ng scar yan. I didn't need to impress anybody so whatever. Yung basta masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Wala akong pakialam sa future. I didn't need to worry.

                     Ganun yata talaga, lahat kasi ngayon kelangan mo iworry. As in literally LAHAT. Pinipilit ko talaga na ibigay lang lahat kay God pero pag nakikita ko nanay ko nagtatago sa inutangan, problema sa kuryente, mahal ng bilihin. Hindi ko makuhang magbingibingihan o magbulagbulagan kaya naiirita lang ako. Imagine may maliit ka na nga na business dito problema pa din ang pera. For reasons na hindi naman dapat ako involved but I need to train myself to do that kasi sila hindi nauubusan ng pinoproblema sa buhay kasi kahit problema ng ibang tao pinoproblema pa din nila. 

                     I have to recite this mantra "In God's time, In God's perfect time!" Kaya lang minsan talaga hindi ko maalis yung inip na, I need to get away from all these. Yung bawasan ko lang yung worry na naipapasa pa nila sakin. Kasi for now gusto ko lang sana ang worry ko lang pano ko papakainin anak ko, pagaralin sya at kumportable kami sa pamumuhay namin. O diba, ang simple lang dapat? Parang ang dali kasing umiwas sa iba pang worries pag malayo ka, hindi mo naririnig at di mo nakikita. Parang ang aga ko lang gusto magretire pero its all because I have had enough in the past siguro and I want to put my burdens to rest.

                      Yung anxiety ko, ayoko na natritrigger sana kaya nga kung pwede lang data entry or transcription nalang gusto ko trabaho para mas malayo sa sources ng worries sa work. So far parang ayaw pa ibigay sakin yun so baka hindi pa time or may mga kelangan pa ko mameet na mga tao na magbabago ng buhay ko and hopefully in a positive light. 

                         For now, I am positive to do these 3 things:

                 1. Bumalik na sa Baguio

                 2. Magwork or business to sustain ang pagbalik sa Baguio

                 3. Hopefully makasettle na sa Baguio for good

                    

                        Ano ang common denominator nila? Baguio. Feeling ko lang kasi I will be more at peace in this place. Since it is my favorite place in the world and I will be away from negativity.

LIES

Why do you have to exist?
Why does it hurt so much?
The pain is unbearable
While looking at nothingness
Tears suddenly fall
It is numbing
It feels terrible
Sleep would not come
No matter how I try
My mind is floating
Can't think, can't feel
Every thing feels unreal

Lie to my face
Feel no remorse
The worst thing one could possibly do
Can't breathe
This is just too much
Inhumane
Deliberately causing pain
And you call this love?
How could one pains his love?
I was kidding myself all along
Some things never change

Lying can be a way of life
Lying for too long can become you
It becomes your nature
Until all the words from you
Spell the word LIES...

Paano nga ba ubusin ang oras?

Bakit nga ba ang mga tao pagwalang ginagawa laging sinasabi "ang bagal naman ng oras"? O kapag meron naman tinatapos na deadline or meron ganap sa buhay, "ano ba yan ang bilis naman ng oras". Nakakaawa din ang oras minsan, lagi nalang sinisisi. Pag may maaga nawala sa mundo, sasabihin nila "hindi pa dapat sya nawala masyado pa maaga". Pag meron naman sobrang sama ng ugali "kelan kaya mamamatay yan? ang tagal naman".

Pero ang totoo nyan, sa atin nakabase ang bilis at takbo ng panahon. Sa mga choices natin sa buhay. Sa kung paano tayo magspend ng bawat sigundo.

Halimbawa ako, ngayong mga oras na 'to. Eto ako nakaupo sa workstation ko binasa ko na lahat ng blogs sa Quora at blogs ni M.Manson dahil wala akong ginagawa. Dahil hinihintay ko lang matapos ang 60 days na required notice sa opisina. Isa nga ito sa napakaweird na patakaran ng company. Imagine 60 days transition para sa support department at facilities pa for that matter. Katanggap tanggap pa sa technical eh pero sa support? Eh kaya ko magtransition ng isang araw lang kung hindi tanga yung pageendorse-an ko. Pero dahil 50 kiyaw ang penalty sige nalang kahit eto mamatay ka sa boredom sabi ng pagod kong mata, kakabasa at pwet ko, kakaupo.

Pero sabi nga nila be thankful for what you currently have kasi yung ibang tao gusto ng patakbuhin ang oras sa sobrang bigat ng trabaho nila or pasanin sa buhay. I am thankful everyday. Alam mo yung parang may kailangan ka lang gawin na iba pero ang totoo hindi mo alam kung ano yun. Basta lang nanghihinayang ka dun sa oras na dapat ata iniukol mo sa ibang bagay.

Minsan kasi hindi lang puro pera, pera ang dapat nasa isip. Natutunan ko yan sa pinakamasakit na paraan. Marami talagang hindi nabibili ang pera katulad ng ngiti sa mata ng anak ko, ang mga jokes nya na walang kapantay, malaliman na usapan sa pagitan namin ng nanay ko at lola ko, sariwang hangin sa probinsya namin, moments with the whole family at madami pang iba.

Pinili ko ang maghintay para sa isang greater purpose kaya hindi dapat mainip. Ang kailangan ay magisip ng paraan para mabawasan ang inip. Parang pagiging responsable mo sa mga bagay na pinili mong gawin. Nasa sa atin talaga kung paano mababawasan ang inip ng paghihintay. Naguguluhan nga din ako sa sarili ko, nung 3 years ako walang ginagawa, lagi ako nanghihingi ng senyales na kung hanggang dun nalang ba talaga ko pero ang totoo nyan ako din lang ang gumawa ng paraan para mawala ako dun sa sitwasyon na yun. Kaya sa palagay ko hindi talaga dapat tinatanong sa Diyos kung anong gagawin mo sa mga dilemma mo sa buhay dahil ikaw din lang ang makakasagot sa mga tanong na yun. Minsan lang talaga nahihirapan tayo pumili dahil ang dami natin dapat iconsider. Pero at the end of the day tayo pa din ang makakaranas ng regrets or fulfillment. Parte yun ng pagiging human I guess. Dahil kung wala yung mga bagay na yun mas walang kwenta ang buhay.

Multiplicative Idiocy

Everyday is so fucking repetitive. I have never felt so useless in a workplace. Because of moronic ways of a "boss", which is one thing. Another thing is every one of your team pretends that they know better than you but when something get screwed they would pretend that they do not know anything about it and you are on your own. I know it has been 3 years but how the fuck did this happen to the corporate world. Back then, I hated it when I am not doing anything because I am done with the things I was supposed to do. I can't seem to fathom that this workplace felt like it only belongs to those who were already here. They have this bubble that is difficult to penetrate. I don't know if I was the one who changed or I just don't really belong here. It could be that because I accepted this job out of convenience and not necessarily to grow and not because it offers a heck of benefits because it sure sucks.

Everyone is getting on my nerves except the receptionist. I have a lot of realization though I am not sure which one is true. To name a few;

1. DO NOT WORK in a Filipino-owned company ever. It is like working for your narcissistic mother-in-law.

2. Go for a startup company. Since this company started during the Triassic period. Everyone wants to eat the newbies by saying "we've been here since time immemorial and you have no right to blah, blah.."

3. It is still safe to have a guy for a boss (except of course if he is a maniac of some sort or as moody as your grandmother). I don't know if its just me, I have never known myself as misogynist but I find it hard to deal with women colleagues. Most of them are pretentious, others are jealous and the rest are both. Being the introvert me, I only do things as asked or the way I'd like to accomplish them without considering any of 'em comments.

So thankful to have this blogspot up and running since that fucking bitdefender sucked all the life I have in this godforsaken workplace. The only motivation I have now so I can literally drag myself to work everyday is that at least I get paid for not doing anything.

If not for my situation I wouldn't be back here. I was never a pushover. I like to deal with things my way not because I am a "Leo" but its because I know what would make sense and if there are suggestions that seems logical I'd gladly accept that. 

Anyway I am still glad I was able to overcome my most recent fear that I was battling with for 3 years because I accepted this job. It is good enough reason but then again they are bringing the demon out of me because of their idiocy.

Lazy Days

A day so lazy

Plans are hazy

Kinda' going crazy

Looking fuzzy

Why think of everything

When there's nothing

Can there be anything?

or something?

You've got to have faith

Even if its just a wraith

Believe what's he saith

Even if its a little past eight

When all is perfect

When you had the chance to connect

It will definitely deflect

Making it correct